hunger

I woke up. It was 11:50 pm. Very little time had passed. I fell asleep in front of my laptop only twenty minutes ago. The only difference between now and then were the numbers on my clock and a blinking new instant message on my screen.

A casual hello from an old friend. Just missed him. Oh well.

Web surfing. Gmail. Cracked. Youtube. Facebook. Clicking ad nauseam. I can check over and over again, but nothing's new. Three minutes later. Time wasn't passing by quick enough. What would I usually do around this hour?

Oh, right. Couldn't do that. I wanted to get out of the house. I interpreted a passing craving for food as an invitation to drive somewhere. I went to Wendy's.

Throw on a cardigan and some slippers. Car rumbling. Almost out of gas. Don't bother with the Ipod. There in five minutes. Junior bacon cheeseburger and fries.

I drove around for a while longer, looking for a place to eat, a place to be. Alone. Somewhere to pass time. A lot of time.

The parking lot outside Walgreen's. A couple of cars here and there. People were in them. Shady business. I move on. Wish moving on were that simple.

I half heartedly come up with a list of places to be. Park. Old high school. Old elementary school. Some neighborhood. Evergreen College. By the time I make a decision, I'm already at my curb.

I could sit on the hood of my car and eat.

Not a good idea. Neighborhood watch has been out. I take my things inside. Open up the door. Sit in the kitchen. A goldfish floating in the aquarium. That leaves two left. Kitchen still smells like rot from the fish sauce bottle I broke the other night. I keep my shoes on. Don't like the feeling of grime on my socks.

Second meal of the day. Or first, if you want to think of it that way. Done in fifteen minutes. It's not even one yet. Time doesn't go by quick enough.

Saturday night I went out to eat. In-N-Out. Sat at one of the counters to myself at 11 pm. The restaurant was relatively empty save for the few familiar late night types.

There's the party girls. Three of em, catching a meal right before heading out. Loud and boisterous. Gold bracelets clanging. Excited about somewhere they're going. Anywhere.

There's the best friends. One called the other. Was bored or sad or hungry. No need to explain the excuse. The other obliged. They're talking about relationships. Or AP Calculus homework. Or something. Anything. They're wearing sweats because they don't need to impress each other.

There's the too-lazy-to-cook guy. Orders. Sits. Texts. And goes. Has a movie waiting for him at home. Or something. Anything.

There's the stoner. He's hungry. Can't decide what he wants. Takes a while, but ends up with two orders of fries and a Neopolitan shake. I'm surprised he pronounced Neopolitan correctly. I know I wouldn't. Smile on his face about something. Anything.

There's the couple. Sitting together. Having their greatest conversations about life over two cheeseburgers, two hamburgers, and two fries. One will bring up the topic of children as a joke. Afraid, he holds the conversation like a precious glass sculpture. Bringing it close to admire, but it's so, so fragile. They'll laugh, but he'll secretly beam inside about something. Anything. Fantasizing. Dreaming. Hoping.

There's the loner. Hunched over his meal. Eyes flitting to the sides of the room. Would give anything to be someone else. Anyone else. He just wants to pass the time because it hurts to exist.

So, so much.