everyone and everything and the world

look at the time. thats me.

look back three years from now. ten. twenty. how do you feel? are you going to be okay? are you going to cringe? are you still wearing that cardigan?

think about it. can't ignore it. ignore it for a while and it'll haunt you forever. chase you down in your dreams. shoot your leg. kick your dog. eat your last piece of good beef that you were saving for later. can't confront your demons. i am the demon catcher. dont turn away. grab it by the horns. or else the devil will get you.

demon catcher. psychic. i told you right? dont forget your jacket. its gonna get cold.

told you so.

some stirring behind some doors. bend over and cup an eye around its keyhole. what the fuck is going on there. see a key underneath the mat. who the hell left this here? shady business. key fits though.

yeah you didnt want to see what was going on. who wants to see a baby corpse riddled with maggots and a bunch of twisted fucks hammering it with their shovels? they're pouring the entrails down their shirts and pants. freaks. ask them what the fuck is going on. not afraid of this. just sneering in disgust. talk to them. stare them straight in the eye.

everyone's dead. everyone's gone. oldass pictures all wrinkled with holes in the corners because of the pushpins and the yellow adhesive on the backing. didn't you realize that the tape's gonna eat it through? fucking idiot. what the hell do you have?

the mirror's cracked. what the fuck are your hands doing? shit, i hope that's not another crust. it probably is though. never got rid of it the first time, did you? i know what that is around your eyes though. those are wrinkles. yeah. hey, it looks like a crow stepped on your face, man. push aside those dirty sheets because its probably time to ogle at the high school boys again. internet. interwebs. intersphere. interreality. whatever the fuck it is now.

22. 26. 29. 35. 39 is the new 22, did you hear? yeah, its the botox. oh and the divorces. everyone gets divorced. some just get married the first time knowing its gonna end and they just wanna get it over with. sure. fantastic. bigger window of fuck ups.

what the fuck is a fuck up anyway. i cant figure out what it is anymore. the kids probably know better. ask one of em. but then they might point at you and thats pretty embarrassing isnt it. yeah, i think i would turn a little red.

go do whatever it is you do to get money. hit up the bars after work. old cougar. keep on coasting.

i dunno though. i put on my cardigan and feed the cat because it's a little cold outside and chairman mao is getting anxious. gotta fill his bowl before i go to the annex. painting and drawing today.

look in the mirror. wheres he? nah he's dead and gone. its ok. we all morph. like butterflies. except you are a fly.

cringe. i dont know if i will. i dont know if i want to. whether to seize an opportunity just because i can or whether to be consistent with my morals and my behaviors throughout life. i have an excuse now. do i want to take it?

you see, everyone will say hey, go ahead and be a fuckup. it's okay. you're only a college student. but is that me? can i really live with what everyone else is doing?

when everyone's fucking up it's kinda hard not to join the party. just so you aren't so lonely.

there was a time when i wouldn't have minded living vicariously. i wouldn't have minded taking all those excuses of youth. i was young, once. i was fucking ready to take on the world. but i held back out of respect. i absorbed a set of morals. and now im all screwed up. cant get those settings back in place.

how long can you coast directionless, without sails or a light, before you crash against a sea cliff and splinter into a thousand worthless pieces?

keep listening to that sweet siren's music. scylla's waiting to eat you up.

i know what i want.
i know i shouldn't have it though.
but god, is it so easy to get here.

it makes me smile.
it keeps me asleep.
i eat well.

but god, do i feel so much more intensely for those few hours.
i forget a lot of things
but afterward it's a painful low.
so i gotta sleep.

hey, if everyone fucks up, right? might as well get in line for scylla. everyone else is.

the power to make and destroy, huh? stare into the monster long enough and you become one. kill the monster and open him up and release the virus and create new ones.

i'm like shiva. but without the hands.

cock masted like a pathetic little soldier. see a moving creature and you want to beat it with your first, bite into its shoulder and tear off a piece of meat. hungry. but you want to penetrate it to. all three at once. monster. subhuman. inhuman. but its inside of all of us. so its the most human you can get.

but its primitive. feral. humanity is all about suppressing that monster. so release the monster and you're human and not.

good job.

i need a lighter and some good kindling. reconstruct me bone by bone so i can look in the mirror and cringe.

never cringed before. til now. androgen go genic. gin and tonic. antidote for a fuck up.

vomit and lies.

cover it up.

tell me the bull's blue when its really red.

and got some mad fucking horns.

my mom's got mental disorders and so's my oldest sister. history of chemical imbalances. make me a trend? alright fine. fuckup. its alright, right? college students can fuck up.

where's my lighter, damnit?

god im so --
i can touch the sky

god what did i do
wheres all my hair?
my arms bleeding
so's my lip.

oh i--
im so.
im so.