well shit
i woke up in a pool of my own vomit.
but im alive.
2019 has been a challenging year
5 years ago
31 October 2009
27 October 2009
O
Sometimes I wish I could start over. Do it again. Do it right. I promise I will.
I'm sorry for a lot of things. Like being bitter sometimes. It's just a way of dealing with the emptiness.
The emptiness is tenable.
Nous me manqueons. Un peu, en plus.
I'm sorry for a lot of things. Like being bitter sometimes. It's just a way of dealing with the emptiness.
The emptiness is tenable.
Nous me manqueons. Un peu, en plus.
26 October 2009
domingo
Bunched up, it forms some kind of coherent shape. A body, a trunk. Maybe some form of a head. Either way, it's enough so I could wrap my arm around it.
Bring it close to my chest. I just want the feeling of the fabric against at least a square inch of my body. I can't have it cover my entire body because it can't be my only source of comfort anymore. I can't let it be. That hole has grown emptier as more dreams fade away.
But dreams are still nice to have and it's still nice to dream. So lately I've been sleeping more, dreaming new dreams that won't ever come true.
---
Bring it close to my chest. I just want the feeling of the fabric against at least a square inch of my body. I can't have it cover my entire body because it can't be my only source of comfort anymore. I can't let it be. That hole has grown emptier as more dreams fade away.
But dreams are still nice to have and it's still nice to dream. So lately I've been sleeping more, dreaming new dreams that won't ever come true.
---
25 October 2009
super saturday
It was great seeing the students again. It reaffirmed why I wanted to go into education: to help underprivileged kids find a way to college, to find a passion of their own.
I spent the rest of the weekend with Brian. It was pleasant. Saw VI was a decent movie. I purchased a new pair of frames for ten dollars.
Pleasant. Nice. Fine.
I was hardly able to sleep Sunday night, though. New environment. New implications. Many things kept me up. Changes. Consistencies. Expectations. Disappointments.
What much else can I say?
---
stare medusa right into
her bloodshot eyes
gazing into a monster
to become a monster
and die a little inside.
blood stops
the heart hardens
keep staring until
every last fiber
becomes stone.
I spent the rest of the weekend with Brian. It was pleasant. Saw VI was a decent movie. I purchased a new pair of frames for ten dollars.
Pleasant. Nice. Fine.
I was hardly able to sleep Sunday night, though. New environment. New implications. Many things kept me up. Changes. Consistencies. Expectations. Disappointments.
What much else can I say?
---
stare medusa right into
her bloodshot eyes
gazing into a monster
to become a monster
and die a little inside.
blood stops
the heart hardens
keep staring until
every last fiber
becomes stone.
18 October 2009
14 October 2009
sand
I called my mom today. She told me that she was up until 11:45 last night, contemplating calling me because I forgot to. She ended up not doing it because she was scared that I would be mad.
She wants me to call everyday. I don't know if I should be worried about this. On one hand, she's a mom and moms care. On the other hand, I've been away from home for about two years now and still wants me to call every day. I wonder if my sister (who's been away from home for like 7 years now) still calls every day. Is it me? Or is she like this to all of us?
It worries me because I start to think that she's emotionally dependent on me when I hear things like this. She's bipolar, so I don't know what crazy things she'll do.
Seeing her react this way reminds me -- to some extent 00 of how I was when I was with you. Stepping back, I see how it can be suffocating. But at the same time, I feel like my reasons were different than my mom's.
Seriously though, our conversations are trifling. Aside from the unusual admission that she contemplated calling me, we spent 1 minute confirming the things I did today:
"You went to class today?"
"Yeah."
"You went to work today?"
"Yeah."
"You ate today?"
"I ate earlier."
"Okay bye."
I love my mom and I don't dread our calls, I just wonder what'll happen when I get caught up in my own thing.
Are all moms like this? It doesn't have to be a call. It can be emails or texting.
She wants me to call everyday. I don't know if I should be worried about this. On one hand, she's a mom and moms care. On the other hand, I've been away from home for about two years now and still wants me to call every day. I wonder if my sister (who's been away from home for like 7 years now) still calls every day. Is it me? Or is she like this to all of us?
It worries me because I start to think that she's emotionally dependent on me when I hear things like this. She's bipolar, so I don't know what crazy things she'll do.
Seeing her react this way reminds me -- to some extent 00 of how I was when I was with you. Stepping back, I see how it can be suffocating. But at the same time, I feel like my reasons were different than my mom's.
Seriously though, our conversations are trifling. Aside from the unusual admission that she contemplated calling me, we spent 1 minute confirming the things I did today:
"You went to class today?"
"Yeah."
"You went to work today?"
"Yeah."
"You ate today?"
"I ate earlier."
"Okay bye."
I love my mom and I don't dread our calls, I just wonder what'll happen when I get caught up in my own thing.
Are all moms like this? It doesn't have to be a call. It can be emails or texting.
11 October 2009
these things
This whole week was all about socialization and expanding my networks.
It's been well expanded. Time to get back to work.
Also, it's hard to run. :(
It's been well expanded. Time to get back to work.
Also, it's hard to run. :(
08 October 2009
swagga
Did you laugh? I did, at first. Let's dissect why I found it funny.
A fight on public transportation in broad daylight. Both individuals are women: one of whom looking like my mother when she first came to this country and hardly able to speak a lick of English (save for the all important curse words, of course), the other a business ready black woman. Black woman instigates the fight. Asian mother wins it.
I don't know how I feel about this. Superficially yeah, it's hilarious.
It violates quite a number of the behaviors, impressions we expect to see from these 'types' in society:
- Two adults acting like children - we wouldn't expect adults to behave this way publicly
- Asian woman being aggressive - we wouldn't expect this old Chinese woman to hit back
- Black woman dressed properly - we wouldn't expect a black woman dressed the way she is to instigate a fight
In the end, it made me sad to see how people regressed to pounding each other with fists on a public bus. It made me sad that I found it funny at first. It also made me sad that race is clearly an issue here. Whether it actually was or not is irrelevant now; people are going to make it a race thing.
07 October 2009
05 October 2009
self improvement
in pursuit of truth,
no door left unopened.
tear down this kingdom
of piss and shit
with his hands and fingernails.
at the end there's
keyhole left.
it ends here.
gaze inside
and stare the beast i
n the eye.
he sees a beast
but who is it
other than his own wretched soul
adorned with a crown of latex and lint
the king of his kingdom
of piss and shit.
for having murdered
all citizens
he himself
is the last one
and now owns the crown.
wait, leave this door locked.
walk out the palace
and let this land be.
--
So I've been trying pretty hard to expand my range of activities during these first few weeks. Finding an interest and a group of people that I could jive with, you know? So far, I've committed to primarily culture clubs: UKS and VSU. Culture's a pretty easy common ground and I've wanted to live my life as a nomad so this works out pretty well.
So far, UKS is pretty cool. I really like the people here. Everyone's from Long Beach, a city which I really like because it reminds me of home. The club's also small, which is a plus.
VSU's stuff starts up this week and so does CAPSA. CAPSA, I'm tempted to go to the spits on Tuesday just to expose myself to that new world. Or remind myself of my middle school self, when I was really into freeform and spoken word poetry. I thought I was so cool reading the stuff during lunch lols.
I'm staying away from the interest/hobby clubs because honestly, I don't have much of a strong interest in anything because I'm interested in everything. I'm really a dilettante.
I've also been to the gym about 5 out of 7 days this week. I definitely see progress already, mainly because I eat like a vegan yoga instructor. Although I look more toned, I'm hardly at all bigger. Because yes, I eat like a vegan yoga instructor. It's not my fault that I'm just not hungry most of the time.
I feel like my form's all wrong in the gym, though. Or I'm not doing things in the correct amount of sets or reps. Oh well. Overtime, I'll set a schedule for myself and figure out what works and what doesn't. I'd post a picture of progress but that's skanky. I can see the top two stacks of abs though. It's been years since that's happened. Oh yes, and I can make myself have cleavage if I tried really hard (and recently worked out).
But half of body sculpting is diet and again, my diet's not great. I need to supplement it or at least make it more consistent. I have two meals a day and I'm done. Both my meals combined would probably make one normal person's meal. I've been supplementing with a multivitamin but I think I need some extra protein and creatine as well.
Anyway, week ahead looks shitty. I dread my Arabic class. I've already started to sleep in my sociology class. Guh. On the school front, things ain't lookin' so pretty.
no door left unopened.
tear down this kingdom
of piss and shit
with his hands and fingernails.
at the end there's
keyhole left.
it ends here.
gaze inside
and stare the beast i
n the eye.
he sees a beast
but who is it
other than his own wretched soul
adorned with a crown of latex and lint
the king of his kingdom
of piss and shit.
for having murdered
all citizens
he himself
is the last one
and now owns the crown.
wait, leave this door locked.
walk out the palace
and let this land be.
--
So I've been trying pretty hard to expand my range of activities during these first few weeks. Finding an interest and a group of people that I could jive with, you know? So far, I've committed to primarily culture clubs: UKS and VSU. Culture's a pretty easy common ground and I've wanted to live my life as a nomad so this works out pretty well.
So far, UKS is pretty cool. I really like the people here. Everyone's from Long Beach, a city which I really like because it reminds me of home. The club's also small, which is a plus.
VSU's stuff starts up this week and so does CAPSA. CAPSA, I'm tempted to go to the spits on Tuesday just to expose myself to that new world. Or remind myself of my middle school self, when I was really into freeform and spoken word poetry. I thought I was so cool reading the stuff during lunch lols.
I'm staying away from the interest/hobby clubs because honestly, I don't have much of a strong interest in anything because I'm interested in everything. I'm really a dilettante.
I've also been to the gym about 5 out of 7 days this week. I definitely see progress already, mainly because I eat like a vegan yoga instructor. Although I look more toned, I'm hardly at all bigger. Because yes, I eat like a vegan yoga instructor. It's not my fault that I'm just not hungry most of the time.
I feel like my form's all wrong in the gym, though. Or I'm not doing things in the correct amount of sets or reps. Oh well. Overtime, I'll set a schedule for myself and figure out what works and what doesn't. I'd post a picture of progress but that's skanky. I can see the top two stacks of abs though. It's been years since that's happened. Oh yes, and I can make myself have cleavage if I tried really hard (and recently worked out).
But half of body sculpting is diet and again, my diet's not great. I need to supplement it or at least make it more consistent. I have two meals a day and I'm done. Both my meals combined would probably make one normal person's meal. I've been supplementing with a multivitamin but I think I need some extra protein and creatine as well.
Anyway, week ahead looks shitty. I dread my Arabic class. I've already started to sleep in my sociology class. Guh. On the school front, things ain't lookin' so pretty.
04 October 2009
snow
i can't believe i'm here. so many familiar faces. great to see you. how are you. yeah im good. waiting on a couple of job offers to go through. those your kids? thats adorable. ha its so crazy right? i didnt think itd ever happen either.
god we're so old.
bowties. on the people.
remember. smile. shake some hands. take some pictures.
music's going. ha. classic tune. everyone's getting up and dancing. of course. gotta do the same. its fun. first smile in a while.
i wonder when the last time this was listened to. il est temps.
sit down. the stars of the show are coming.
ha everyone's matching in different ways.
of course, wouldn't expect anything less.
more familiar faces. some not so familiar. some only familiar on the internet after clicking. browsing.
then the stars. la raison d'etre.
both look good. but there goes that sharp feeling again. o god. why. i told myself no. i never really know what to call it. its sharp but its empty too. i just know it makes me lose my breath.
recall a dead little dream ten years ago.
and im lost. gotta get up. gotta go.
turn off the camera. hey i gotta go to the bathroom. ill be back.
i can't stay for long.
wish i did the right things.
wish i said the wrong ones.
wishes. wishes.
oh yeah. gotta drop it off. forgot to leave the package on the table of gifts. ok not too painful. dont look at me. im just going to the bathroom. sorry for interrupting.
i know what theyre thinking. and theyre right. i cant go back.
its a snowglobe. small. didnt cost more than 15 dollars.
and leave.
what am i doing.
im so sorry i ever came.
this is so depressing. im in one of the stalls. i should go. or something
.
its so dirty in here. who etched their number on the wall? thats pretty funny. ok im going to my car. i remember how to drive back home right?
oh god its her. why is she here? smile. swallow. think about something fun and cute. like puppies.
i never took care of dogs too well.
no im okay. yeah really. im just gonna go to the car real quick and get something. ill be back. you should be back inside. you of all people. dont worry about me, seriously. thanks though. no no ill be back. really.
ok im losing it. hurry up and walk into the car. its so hot today. i want to get this fucking jacket off me. get this fucking fabric off my skin.
there it goes. its not enough. its like being in a straight jacket. untucking the shirt. undoing hours of getting ready.
my hands are on the wheel now. im glad i didnt bring anyone.
ok keys are in. cant turn back now. but i kinda do want to. to stay all the way through.
no. cant do it.
backing up.
drive away. from the little chapel.
sorry
god we're so old.
bowties. on the people.
remember. smile. shake some hands. take some pictures.
music's going. ha. classic tune. everyone's getting up and dancing. of course. gotta do the same. its fun. first smile in a while.
i wonder when the last time this was listened to. il est temps.
sit down. the stars of the show are coming.
ha everyone's matching in different ways.
of course, wouldn't expect anything less.
more familiar faces. some not so familiar. some only familiar on the internet after clicking. browsing.
then the stars. la raison d'etre.
both look good. but there goes that sharp feeling again. o god. why. i told myself no. i never really know what to call it. its sharp but its empty too. i just know it makes me lose my breath.
recall a dead little dream ten years ago.
and im lost. gotta get up. gotta go.
turn off the camera. hey i gotta go to the bathroom. ill be back.
i can't stay for long.
wish i did the right things.
wish i said the wrong ones.
wishes. wishes.
oh yeah. gotta drop it off. forgot to leave the package on the table of gifts. ok not too painful. dont look at me. im just going to the bathroom. sorry for interrupting.
i know what theyre thinking. and theyre right. i cant go back.
its a snowglobe. small. didnt cost more than 15 dollars.
and leave.
what am i doing.
im so sorry i ever came.
this is so depressing. im in one of the stalls. i should go. or something
.
its so dirty in here. who etched their number on the wall? thats pretty funny. ok im going to my car. i remember how to drive back home right?
oh god its her. why is she here? smile. swallow. think about something fun and cute. like puppies.
i never took care of dogs too well.
no im okay. yeah really. im just gonna go to the car real quick and get something. ill be back. you should be back inside. you of all people. dont worry about me, seriously. thanks though. no no ill be back. really.
ok im losing it. hurry up and walk into the car. its so hot today. i want to get this fucking jacket off me. get this fucking fabric off my skin.
there it goes. its not enough. its like being in a straight jacket. untucking the shirt. undoing hours of getting ready.
my hands are on the wheel now. im glad i didnt bring anyone.
ok keys are in. cant turn back now. but i kinda do want to. to stay all the way through.
no. cant do it.
backing up.
drive away. from the little chapel.
sorry
02 October 2009
crime
UC applications came out this week. I haven't registered a username yet.
Last year, I filled out an application but never submitted it.
If I get into my major here, I'll graduate a year early. If I transfer, I'm looking at possibly another year somewhere else.
Another year, another set of loans.
I don't want to be a fifth year. I feel like I'm over 'college'. I want to get away from being a student.
But then I'm questioning a lot of things about my education. If I graduate a year early, what do I do then?
What happens after?
Do I keep going to school?
Do I start applying for jobs that I'll be stuck with for the rest of my life?
Loans. Gotta start paying those off, too.
I feel like it should scare me. The fact that once I go, I'll be gone should terrify me.
But it doesn't. Even though I don't have much a direction right now, I feel like wherever I land, I'll take root and do extraordinarily well, just as I do with everything else.
I feel like I need to devote myself to something new.
Last year, I filled out an application but never submitted it.
If I get into my major here, I'll graduate a year early. If I transfer, I'm looking at possibly another year somewhere else.
Another year, another set of loans.
I don't want to be a fifth year. I feel like I'm over 'college'. I want to get away from being a student.
But then I'm questioning a lot of things about my education. If I graduate a year early, what do I do then?
What happens after?
Do I keep going to school?
Do I start applying for jobs that I'll be stuck with for the rest of my life?
Loans. Gotta start paying those off, too.
I feel like it should scare me. The fact that once I go, I'll be gone should terrify me.
But it doesn't. Even though I don't have much a direction right now, I feel like wherever I land, I'll take root and do extraordinarily well, just as I do with everything else.
I feel like I need to devote myself to something new.
01 October 2009
everyone and everything and the world
look at the time. thats me.
look back three years from now. ten. twenty. how do you feel? are you going to be okay? are you going to cringe? are you still wearing that cardigan?
think about it. can't ignore it. ignore it for a while and it'll haunt you forever. chase you down in your dreams. shoot your leg. kick your dog. eat your last piece of good beef that you were saving for later. can't confront your demons. i am the demon catcher. dont turn away. grab it by the horns. or else the devil will get you.
demon catcher. psychic. i told you right? dont forget your jacket. its gonna get cold.
told you so.
some stirring behind some doors. bend over and cup an eye around its keyhole. what the fuck is going on there. see a key underneath the mat. who the hell left this here? shady business. key fits though.
yeah you didnt want to see what was going on. who wants to see a baby corpse riddled with maggots and a bunch of twisted fucks hammering it with their shovels? they're pouring the entrails down their shirts and pants. freaks. ask them what the fuck is going on. not afraid of this. just sneering in disgust. talk to them. stare them straight in the eye.
everyone's dead. everyone's gone. oldass pictures all wrinkled with holes in the corners because of the pushpins and the yellow adhesive on the backing. didn't you realize that the tape's gonna eat it through? fucking idiot. what the hell do you have?
the mirror's cracked. what the fuck are your hands doing? shit, i hope that's not another crust. it probably is though. never got rid of it the first time, did you? i know what that is around your eyes though. those are wrinkles. yeah. hey, it looks like a crow stepped on your face, man. push aside those dirty sheets because its probably time to ogle at the high school boys again. internet. interwebs. intersphere. interreality. whatever the fuck it is now.
22. 26. 29. 35. 39 is the new 22, did you hear? yeah, its the botox. oh and the divorces. everyone gets divorced. some just get married the first time knowing its gonna end and they just wanna get it over with. sure. fantastic. bigger window of fuck ups.
what the fuck is a fuck up anyway. i cant figure out what it is anymore. the kids probably know better. ask one of em. but then they might point at you and thats pretty embarrassing isnt it. yeah, i think i would turn a little red.
go do whatever it is you do to get money. hit up the bars after work. old cougar. keep on coasting.
i dunno though. i put on my cardigan and feed the cat because it's a little cold outside and chairman mao is getting anxious. gotta fill his bowl before i go to the annex. painting and drawing today.
look in the mirror. wheres he? nah he's dead and gone. its ok. we all morph. like butterflies. except you are a fly.
cringe. i dont know if i will. i dont know if i want to. whether to seize an opportunity just because i can or whether to be consistent with my morals and my behaviors throughout life. i have an excuse now. do i want to take it?
you see, everyone will say hey, go ahead and be a fuckup. it's okay. you're only a college student. but is that me? can i really live with what everyone else is doing?
when everyone's fucking up it's kinda hard not to join the party. just so you aren't so lonely.
there was a time when i wouldn't have minded living vicariously. i wouldn't have minded taking all those excuses of youth. i was young, once. i was fucking ready to take on the world. but i held back out of respect. i absorbed a set of morals. and now im all screwed up. cant get those settings back in place.
how long can you coast directionless, without sails or a light, before you crash against a sea cliff and splinter into a thousand worthless pieces?
keep listening to that sweet siren's music. scylla's waiting to eat you up.
i know what i want.
i know i shouldn't have it though.
but god, is it so easy to get here.
it makes me smile.
it keeps me asleep.
i eat well.
but god, do i feel so much more intensely for those few hours.
i forget a lot of things
but afterward it's a painful low.
so i gotta sleep.
hey, if everyone fucks up, right? might as well get in line for scylla. everyone else is.
the power to make and destroy, huh? stare into the monster long enough and you become one. kill the monster and open him up and release the virus and create new ones.
i'm like shiva. but without the hands.
cock masted like a pathetic little soldier. see a moving creature and you want to beat it with your first, bite into its shoulder and tear off a piece of meat. hungry. but you want to penetrate it to. all three at once. monster. subhuman. inhuman. but its inside of all of us. so its the most human you can get.
but its primitive. feral. humanity is all about suppressing that monster. so release the monster and you're human and not.
good job.
i need a lighter and some good kindling. reconstruct me bone by bone so i can look in the mirror and cringe.
never cringed before. til now. androgen go genic. gin and tonic. antidote for a fuck up.
vomit and lies.
cover it up.
tell me the bull's blue when its really red.
and got some mad fucking horns.
my mom's got mental disorders and so's my oldest sister. history of chemical imbalances. make me a trend? alright fine. fuckup. its alright, right? college students can fuck up.
where's my lighter, damnit?
god im so --
i can touch the sky
god what did i do
wheres all my hair?
my arms bleeding
so's my lip.
oh i--
im so.
im so.
look back three years from now. ten. twenty. how do you feel? are you going to be okay? are you going to cringe? are you still wearing that cardigan?
think about it. can't ignore it. ignore it for a while and it'll haunt you forever. chase you down in your dreams. shoot your leg. kick your dog. eat your last piece of good beef that you were saving for later. can't confront your demons. i am the demon catcher. dont turn away. grab it by the horns. or else the devil will get you.
demon catcher. psychic. i told you right? dont forget your jacket. its gonna get cold.
told you so.
some stirring behind some doors. bend over and cup an eye around its keyhole. what the fuck is going on there. see a key underneath the mat. who the hell left this here? shady business. key fits though.
yeah you didnt want to see what was going on. who wants to see a baby corpse riddled with maggots and a bunch of twisted fucks hammering it with their shovels? they're pouring the entrails down their shirts and pants. freaks. ask them what the fuck is going on. not afraid of this. just sneering in disgust. talk to them. stare them straight in the eye.
everyone's dead. everyone's gone. oldass pictures all wrinkled with holes in the corners because of the pushpins and the yellow adhesive on the backing. didn't you realize that the tape's gonna eat it through? fucking idiot. what the hell do you have?
the mirror's cracked. what the fuck are your hands doing? shit, i hope that's not another crust. it probably is though. never got rid of it the first time, did you? i know what that is around your eyes though. those are wrinkles. yeah. hey, it looks like a crow stepped on your face, man. push aside those dirty sheets because its probably time to ogle at the high school boys again. internet. interwebs. intersphere. interreality. whatever the fuck it is now.
22. 26. 29. 35. 39 is the new 22, did you hear? yeah, its the botox. oh and the divorces. everyone gets divorced. some just get married the first time knowing its gonna end and they just wanna get it over with. sure. fantastic. bigger window of fuck ups.
what the fuck is a fuck up anyway. i cant figure out what it is anymore. the kids probably know better. ask one of em. but then they might point at you and thats pretty embarrassing isnt it. yeah, i think i would turn a little red.
go do whatever it is you do to get money. hit up the bars after work. old cougar. keep on coasting.
i dunno though. i put on my cardigan and feed the cat because it's a little cold outside and chairman mao is getting anxious. gotta fill his bowl before i go to the annex. painting and drawing today.
look in the mirror. wheres he? nah he's dead and gone. its ok. we all morph. like butterflies. except you are a fly.
cringe. i dont know if i will. i dont know if i want to. whether to seize an opportunity just because i can or whether to be consistent with my morals and my behaviors throughout life. i have an excuse now. do i want to take it?
you see, everyone will say hey, go ahead and be a fuckup. it's okay. you're only a college student. but is that me? can i really live with what everyone else is doing?
when everyone's fucking up it's kinda hard not to join the party. just so you aren't so lonely.
there was a time when i wouldn't have minded living vicariously. i wouldn't have minded taking all those excuses of youth. i was young, once. i was fucking ready to take on the world. but i held back out of respect. i absorbed a set of morals. and now im all screwed up. cant get those settings back in place.
how long can you coast directionless, without sails or a light, before you crash against a sea cliff and splinter into a thousand worthless pieces?
keep listening to that sweet siren's music. scylla's waiting to eat you up.
i know what i want.
i know i shouldn't have it though.
but god, is it so easy to get here.
it makes me smile.
it keeps me asleep.
i eat well.
but god, do i feel so much more intensely for those few hours.
i forget a lot of things
but afterward it's a painful low.
so i gotta sleep.
hey, if everyone fucks up, right? might as well get in line for scylla. everyone else is.
the power to make and destroy, huh? stare into the monster long enough and you become one. kill the monster and open him up and release the virus and create new ones.
i'm like shiva. but without the hands.
cock masted like a pathetic little soldier. see a moving creature and you want to beat it with your first, bite into its shoulder and tear off a piece of meat. hungry. but you want to penetrate it to. all three at once. monster. subhuman. inhuman. but its inside of all of us. so its the most human you can get.
but its primitive. feral. humanity is all about suppressing that monster. so release the monster and you're human and not.
good job.
i need a lighter and some good kindling. reconstruct me bone by bone so i can look in the mirror and cringe.
never cringed before. til now. androgen go genic. gin and tonic. antidote for a fuck up.
vomit and lies.
cover it up.
tell me the bull's blue when its really red.
and got some mad fucking horns.
my mom's got mental disorders and so's my oldest sister. history of chemical imbalances. make me a trend? alright fine. fuckup. its alright, right? college students can fuck up.
where's my lighter, damnit?
god im so --
i can touch the sky
god what did i do
wheres all my hair?
my arms bleeding
so's my lip.
oh i--
im so.
im so.
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