This hair is big.
This hair weighs me down.
This hair is not me.
Time to cut it.
I want to cut it all off.
And feel the cold breeze on my scalp.
2019 has been a challenging year
5 years ago
29 September 2009
27 September 2009
wheels
If all goes well, I'll receive my zipcar by Week 2.
I can finally start feeling like a human again. Driving around. Going places. Although, paying to rent it out might be a bitch.
I might just make a few new friends this way.
I can finally start feeling like a human again. Driving around. Going places. Although, paying to rent it out might be a bitch.
I might just make a few new friends this way.
26 September 2009
societal lines
i spent a long time not being okay with who i was.
when i learned to love myself, i grew so confident that i didn't realize how quickly i'd been burning.
i've convinced myself that i'm not okay with who i am anymore. if i beat into my head that i'm not good enough, then i'll start working hard to prove that i am. although, it's a little tough to go from confident to not so confident.
so fuck you, world. you win. time to get those wings back and i am going to soar like i did before.
---
end of year goals:
-at least B in Arabic and Poli Sci, B+ in Stats,
-wake up before 12
-expand my group of friends
-lose this belly? :0
-DON'T NAP AS MUCH
-find a reason to like it here.
-work out consistently
-no smoking! tobacco or otherwise.
-learn to drive around in socal?
-do some kind of culture night. or big performance event.
-recultivate sense of leadership that i lost.
when i learned to love myself, i grew so confident that i didn't realize how quickly i'd been burning.
i've convinced myself that i'm not okay with who i am anymore. if i beat into my head that i'm not good enough, then i'll start working hard to prove that i am. although, it's a little tough to go from confident to not so confident.
so fuck you, world. you win. time to get those wings back and i am going to soar like i did before.
---
end of year goals:
-at least B in Arabic and Poli Sci, B+ in Stats,
-wake up before 12
-expand my group of friends
-lose this belly? :0
-DON'T NAP AS MUCH
-find a reason to like it here.
-work out consistently
-no smoking! tobacco or otherwise.
-learn to drive around in socal?
-do some kind of culture night. or big performance event.
-recultivate sense of leadership that i lost.
25 September 2009
ripped
On his celestial way, a glimmer in the pale turquoise and olive drab marble below hooked this fleeting demigod's eye and he paused to peer into the world of the mortals. Such curiosity, such beauty, such a new force shook him from his core and electrified his very soul! Enticed, he leaned forward, eager to scoop his hands into the dreary pool and claim the jewel as his own.
He put down his staff. He shed his robes. He bent low on his knees and reached as far as his god-sculpted arms allowed him. Still, he was unable to reach the coveted jewel. If he were to retrieve it, he would have to dive face first and land his two feet on dirt. Soil. Filth.
No problem, he thought. Many had done it before him. But he had never done this before. Only seen others.
Wasting no time, he took a dive, but his form was all wrong. Though a demigod he was, he was not blessed with all the knowledge the heavens held.
So he fumbled. He fell. He twirled in the air and the harsh winds blew him off course, though he fought hard to stay on his path. The closer he burned toward earth, the quicker his feathers disintegrated until there were only gaping red wounds where his shoulder blades were.
He hit rock. He hit trees. He landed and tumbled. He was bruised and broken, wings ripped from his back, but found himself at his jewel, at a village on the beach.
However, he found it was not a jewel, but human whose song scintillated brighter than any precious stone.
And when his appearance, haggard and bloody, lead the human to forsake him, he protested. But the human wouldn't have it, seeing him as not the demigod he claimed to be, or ever could be. Thus, the demigod had no choice but to leave. Wings ripped, cold and alone, he then looked up the sky, cried a terrible scream, and begged to be taken back.
But his cries were unanswered and he put one foot in front of the other, toes stained with filth and blood, eyes drawn either to the sky or to the village on the beach.
And so he wandered the earth, looking for a home that wasn't his.
--
This wasn't supposed to be a story. I had a longer blog (much longer), but it got deleted during a crappy internet connection. I'm slowly working on rewriting it. It's pretty much this without all the heavy handed metaphor.
He put down his staff. He shed his robes. He bent low on his knees and reached as far as his god-sculpted arms allowed him. Still, he was unable to reach the coveted jewel. If he were to retrieve it, he would have to dive face first and land his two feet on dirt. Soil. Filth.
No problem, he thought. Many had done it before him. But he had never done this before. Only seen others.
Wasting no time, he took a dive, but his form was all wrong. Though a demigod he was, he was not blessed with all the knowledge the heavens held.
So he fumbled. He fell. He twirled in the air and the harsh winds blew him off course, though he fought hard to stay on his path. The closer he burned toward earth, the quicker his feathers disintegrated until there were only gaping red wounds where his shoulder blades were.
He hit rock. He hit trees. He landed and tumbled. He was bruised and broken, wings ripped from his back, but found himself at his jewel, at a village on the beach.
However, he found it was not a jewel, but human whose song scintillated brighter than any precious stone.
And when his appearance, haggard and bloody, lead the human to forsake him, he protested. But the human wouldn't have it, seeing him as not the demigod he claimed to be, or ever could be. Thus, the demigod had no choice but to leave. Wings ripped, cold and alone, he then looked up the sky, cried a terrible scream, and begged to be taken back.
But his cries were unanswered and he put one foot in front of the other, toes stained with filth and blood, eyes drawn either to the sky or to the village on the beach.
And so he wandered the earth, looking for a home that wasn't his.
--
This wasn't supposed to be a story. I had a longer blog (much longer), but it got deleted during a crappy internet connection. I'm slowly working on rewriting it. It's pretty much this without all the heavy handed metaphor.
24 September 2009
segment
Visiting Irvine was really nice because:
Anyway, it was nice. Very very nice.
---
I get impatient with my parents. Whenever they call, I speak to them harshly, wanting the conversation to pass as quickly as possible.
I know it's bratty and I shouldn't be. I'm pretty lucky to have two parents who care enough to call.
It's only when I imagine myself in their position do I start to realize it though. Among the many things I need to work on changing, this is up there.
---
I still read the card. It's almost two years old but I still like looking at it. Helps me sleep at night. The rational is that I'll tell myself whatever I gotta tell myself to make the days connect.
---
I feel like I've regressed in terms of maturity. I've lashed out more. I've been more moody. I don't care about a lot of things. I'm jaded. I'm feeling a lot of things that I didn't get to feel in high school.
I hope at least this one is accompanied by a growth spurt.
- I got to go off campus
- I got to be in a car (which gave me the feeling of greater control)
- I got to hang out with Brian. It made me see that the world doesn't end and things don't change dramatically even when I come back to school. A sense of stability.
Anyway, it was nice. Very very nice.
---
I get impatient with my parents. Whenever they call, I speak to them harshly, wanting the conversation to pass as quickly as possible.
I know it's bratty and I shouldn't be. I'm pretty lucky to have two parents who care enough to call.
It's only when I imagine myself in their position do I start to realize it though. Among the many things I need to work on changing, this is up there.
---
I still read the card. It's almost two years old but I still like looking at it. Helps me sleep at night. The rational is that I'll tell myself whatever I gotta tell myself to make the days connect.
---
I feel like I've regressed in terms of maturity. I've lashed out more. I've been more moody. I don't care about a lot of things. I'm jaded. I'm feeling a lot of things that I didn't get to feel in high school.
I hope at least this one is accompanied by a growth spurt.
20 September 2009
my lie
Every time I think I’m okay, it ambushes me from behind. It trickles up from my core and settles into my eyes where it stings all throughout my spine and my limbs. It comes in waves. A sudden shock right through my chest, my breath is stolen from me and my vision is misty. It’s crippling.
I’m reminded over and over again that I’m not where I want to be, that things are completely different, that the life has become a lie.
But I can’t live without it. I need to lie to myself to get through the fucking day.
---
6:45 a.m. I woke up to a gentle nudge on my shoulder. "Trungy! It's time to get up!" An alarm clock I could ignore. A dino, not as easy. “Crane?”
"Ten more minutes," I groaned, rolling up in the sudden extra amount of space.
"Trungy," More insistently. I whimpered in response. Fine. I’ll get up.
Relenting, I popped up from underneath the comforter. Rubbing the stardust out of my eyes, I left a peck on Dino’s cheek before hopping through the mess that was his floor. I threw a shirt over my sticky back. It was the black In the Groove shirt. Oh well. I’ll change when I get there.
8:00 a.m. – 12:45 p.m. A good half hour past our intended departure time, we found ourselves by the garage, backpacks in hand, feet in our shoes. Dino’s parents were ready to send us off. A peck and some words here, I stood awkwardly behind him. Dino’s mom came up to me, hugged me tight and whispered something in my ear.
“Take care of him.” She gave me a soft smile. I nodded. There was nothing else I wanted to do more.
On the drive, we recollected old memories about Breakthrough to keep ourselves awake. Every now and then, I would try to sneak in a ‘who would you rather do?’ question, but those were met by groans of disapproval. We’d drive by a cow or a horse and I pointed out each one of them.
As the pungent scent of the Central Valley begins to circulate through the car, I ask, “Dino, did you beep?” full well knowing the answer.
He gave the expected response, followed by me grabbing one of Dino’s mom’s cakes wrapped in some plastic. I hold it up to Dino’s nostrils while we drive through the stinky cow territory.
The drive is always my favorite. I liked watching the scenery and holding Dino’s hand. These are times where we just talked about anything and everything.
7:45 p.m. Everything is packed away in my dorm room. Number 360. The night is still young, though, so Dino and I decide to venture off to a mall that we haven’t been to: Koreatown Galleria.
“Asian shit?” Dino complains.
“But it’s the only one that’ll be open past 9! Besides, the ITG machine is broken here and—“
“Okay we’ll go. But not because of the ITG machine being broken. I don’t care about that.”
I quickly scribble down directions. We were off in minutes. Not before Dino checked his hair, and made a few faces in the mirror, though.
8:30 p.m. The cute Korean gift shop caught my eye as I ran toward it.
“Dino, look!” I pointed. “It’s a donut! It's as big as my head! It's for you! Let’s go in.” I went inside, looking for other fun things to point out.
“Why are they selling pills in here?” I pick one up and show it to Dino. “Teaching kids how to abuse medication. Typical LA.”
“I think you need a new steering wheel cover.” Of course he doesn’t. I just thought they looked ridiculous.
“Mmmmmhmmm. You know she got junk in her trunk!”
And of course, no visit to a shop would be complete without a dino reference. I just pick it up and show it to Dino in awe.
“Dino, can we buy it?!”
“Trungy, no! What is it anyway? You won’t even use it.”
“But there are dinos on it.”
“Silly Trungy. Put it back!”
I put it back. We leave the gift shop empty-handed but with new inside jokes. The next stop, of course, is the food court.
We ordered dumplings and steak fried rice. As soon as we get the order, Dino starts to calculate.
“Trungy, I can finish each one of these in one bite. How many are you going to have? There should be enough for five dumplings each.”
“Hungry Dino. I think I’ll have three.”
“Okay, good.”
Of course, I end up eating four but I give Dino the rest of the rice to compensate.
11:24 p.m. “Dino! Let’s watch a myth arc. We can finish it when we move everything into your apartment tomorrow.”
I popped in X-Files into my laptop. I insisted on watching a myth arc, even though I knew I never stay awake during them. That was okay, though. I can rewatch anything I missed tomorrow night. Or the night after. Or the night after that. I had a few days in Irvine to look forward to after this.
As the credits played and Mulder and Scully embarked on their adventure, I wrapped my arm around Dino’s middle and rest my head against his side, kissing the fabric of his shirt. Snuggling close, I mutter a quick “I love you, Dino.”
“Love you too, Trungy,” the warm response.
I close my eyes.
I wake up. The first thing I see is my laundry basket heaped full of disheveled clothing. I grasp around me. My curtains. My comforter. My room.
Oh god. I shoot up. I’m in my room and I’m alone. Alone. I look at the clock. It’s 6:45 a.m. I’m supposed to leave for LA in half an hour.
Reality is a painful slap across the face.
What really happened?
I tried to distract myself herbally throughout the car ride but the good feelings lasted only two minutes before a reminder of everything I lost hit me.
My sister, her friend, and I went to Melrose. I left empty-handed. We went to my dorms. I threw everything in the room and shut the door. We went to Koreatown. I left the store every ten minutes because I saw something that would trigger tears.
But mostly, I slept throughout most of my trip back down because I couldn’t take being awake. I dreamt and relived the last night I saw you, the embrace, the tears. The last time I told you I loved you. The last time I saw my Dino.
I’m reminded over and over again that I’m not where I want to be, that things are completely different, that the life has become a lie.
But I can’t live without it. I need to lie to myself to get through the fucking day.
---
6:45 a.m. I woke up to a gentle nudge on my shoulder. "Trungy! It's time to get up!" An alarm clock I could ignore. A dino, not as easy. “Crane?”
"Ten more minutes," I groaned, rolling up in the sudden extra amount of space.
"Trungy," More insistently. I whimpered in response. Fine. I’ll get up.
Relenting, I popped up from underneath the comforter. Rubbing the stardust out of my eyes, I left a peck on Dino’s cheek before hopping through the mess that was his floor. I threw a shirt over my sticky back. It was the black In the Groove shirt. Oh well. I’ll change when I get there.
8:00 a.m. – 12:45 p.m. A good half hour past our intended departure time, we found ourselves by the garage, backpacks in hand, feet in our shoes. Dino’s parents were ready to send us off. A peck and some words here, I stood awkwardly behind him. Dino’s mom came up to me, hugged me tight and whispered something in my ear.
“Take care of him.” She gave me a soft smile. I nodded. There was nothing else I wanted to do more.
On the drive, we recollected old memories about Breakthrough to keep ourselves awake. Every now and then, I would try to sneak in a ‘who would you rather do?’ question, but those were met by groans of disapproval. We’d drive by a cow or a horse and I pointed out each one of them.
As the pungent scent of the Central Valley begins to circulate through the car, I ask, “Dino, did you beep?” full well knowing the answer.
He gave the expected response, followed by me grabbing one of Dino’s mom’s cakes wrapped in some plastic. I hold it up to Dino’s nostrils while we drive through the stinky cow territory.
The drive is always my favorite. I liked watching the scenery and holding Dino’s hand. These are times where we just talked about anything and everything.
7:45 p.m. Everything is packed away in my dorm room. Number 360. The night is still young, though, so Dino and I decide to venture off to a mall that we haven’t been to: Koreatown Galleria.
“Asian shit?” Dino complains.
“But it’s the only one that’ll be open past 9! Besides, the ITG machine is broken here and—“
“Okay we’ll go. But not because of the ITG machine being broken. I don’t care about that.”
I quickly scribble down directions. We were off in minutes. Not before Dino checked his hair, and made a few faces in the mirror, though.
8:30 p.m. The cute Korean gift shop caught my eye as I ran toward it.
“Dino, look!” I pointed. “It’s a donut! It's as big as my head! It's for you! Let’s go in.” I went inside, looking for other fun things to point out.
“Why are they selling pills in here?” I pick one up and show it to Dino. “Teaching kids how to abuse medication. Typical LA.”
“I think you need a new steering wheel cover.” Of course he doesn’t. I just thought they looked ridiculous.
“Mmmmmhmmm. You know she got junk in her trunk!”
And of course, no visit to a shop would be complete without a dino reference. I just pick it up and show it to Dino in awe.
“Dino, can we buy it?!”
“Trungy, no! What is it anyway? You won’t even use it.”
“But there are dinos on it.”
“Silly Trungy. Put it back!”
I put it back. We leave the gift shop empty-handed but with new inside jokes. The next stop, of course, is the food court.
We ordered dumplings and steak fried rice. As soon as we get the order, Dino starts to calculate.
“Trungy, I can finish each one of these in one bite. How many are you going to have? There should be enough for five dumplings each.”
“Hungry Dino. I think I’ll have three.”
“Okay, good.”
Of course, I end up eating four but I give Dino the rest of the rice to compensate.
11:24 p.m. “Dino! Let’s watch a myth arc. We can finish it when we move everything into your apartment tomorrow.”
I popped in X-Files into my laptop. I insisted on watching a myth arc, even though I knew I never stay awake during them. That was okay, though. I can rewatch anything I missed tomorrow night. Or the night after. Or the night after that. I had a few days in Irvine to look forward to after this.
As the credits played and Mulder and Scully embarked on their adventure, I wrapped my arm around Dino’s middle and rest my head against his side, kissing the fabric of his shirt. Snuggling close, I mutter a quick “I love you, Dino.”
“Love you too, Trungy,” the warm response.
I close my eyes.
I wake up. The first thing I see is my laundry basket heaped full of disheveled clothing. I grasp around me. My curtains. My comforter. My room.
Oh god. I shoot up. I’m in my room and I’m alone. Alone. I look at the clock. It’s 6:45 a.m. I’m supposed to leave for LA in half an hour.
Reality is a painful slap across the face.
What really happened?
I tried to distract myself herbally throughout the car ride but the good feelings lasted only two minutes before a reminder of everything I lost hit me.
My sister, her friend, and I went to Melrose. I left empty-handed. We went to my dorms. I threw everything in the room and shut the door. We went to Koreatown. I left the store every ten minutes because I saw something that would trigger tears.
But mostly, I slept throughout most of my trip back down because I couldn’t take being awake. I dreamt and relived the last night I saw you, the embrace, the tears. The last time I told you I loved you. The last time I saw my Dino.
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