synapses

First you turn right on C Expressway.

I hopped into the car. We drove for a while before stopping at some neighborhood. It was hard finding my way back into the car. There were people walking their dogs in the middle of the night. I thought that was completely hilarious. Why was everybody at Check-n-Go?

And then you make a left at S Ave.

I took out my phone book and started going through it. Eventually, we were at Karen's house. Everything was so, so hilarious. I don't remember why. I tried to touch my scalp. Nothing.

You go down for a really long time before you make another left at ST Road.

Nobody was home. Nobody's ever home on Friday nights. A call later, and we were at Yogurtland. Everyone was there.

Once you hit the hospital, you make a left at L.

Hugs all around. I was so happy to see everyone, just one more time. Even Cynthia was there! All the way from Stockton, what the hell. Stumbling. But then everyone looked differently. Looked at me differently. And nothing was as funny anymore.

Make an immediate right.

Driving down Capitol. I knew this road. Really well. All night whenever I recognized a road, I'd talk about the ways to get there. When I finished, I was silent to keep from babbling like an idiot. This time, I started and couldn't stop. Oh god. It hurt so badly. It was the strongest, most crippling pain I'd experienced. It was gone. All gone. I started to remember the first time I drove there alone, after I got my license: I was so terrified of driving, but I pushed on. It started raining on the way there, but eventually I found myself in his room, where I'd nap away the stress. It was the first of many great heights that I conquered. Let me keep this memory, I begged.

Follow the road past the park and make another left when it ends.

I don't remember stopping those sobs. I got home and had a few bananas. Spent the next few hours watching Jake and Amir.

Turn right at G circle and its the house with the bench.

There was a lot of driving and crying last night. But what I remembered most were friends. Thanks everyone for putting up with me and continuing to put up with me.