well shit

i woke up in a pool of my own vomit.

but im alive.

O

Sometimes I wish I could start over. Do it again. Do it right. I promise I will.

I'm sorry for a lot of things. Like being bitter sometimes. It's just a way of dealing with the emptiness.

The emptiness is tenable.

Nous me manqueons. Un peu, en plus.

domingo

Bunched up, it forms some kind of coherent shape. A body, a trunk. Maybe some form of a head. Either way, it's enough so I could wrap my arm around it.

Bring it close to my chest. I just want the feeling of the fabric against at least a square inch of my body. I can't have it cover my entire body because it can't be my only source of comfort anymore. I can't let it be. That hole has grown emptier as more dreams fade away.

But dreams are still nice to have and it's still nice to dream. So lately I've been sleeping more, dreaming new dreams that won't ever come true.

---

super saturday

It was great seeing the students again. It reaffirmed why I wanted to go into education: to help underprivileged kids find a way to college, to find a passion of their own.

I spent the rest of the weekend with Brian. It was pleasant. Saw VI was a decent movie. I purchased a new pair of frames for ten dollars.

Pleasant. Nice. Fine.

I was hardly able to sleep Sunday night, though. New environment. New implications. Many things kept me up. Changes. Consistencies. Expectations. Disappointments.

What much else can I say?

---

stare medusa right into
her bloodshot eyes
gazing into a monster
to become a monster
and die a little inside.

blood stops
the heart hardens
keep staring until
every last fiber
becomes stone.

50%

I find that I'm becoming more of a sociologist than a writer
the more that I participate.

sand

I called my mom today. She told me that she was up until 11:45 last night, contemplating calling me because I forgot to. She ended up not doing it because she was scared that I would be mad.

She wants me to call everyday. I don't know if I should be worried about this. On one hand, she's a mom and moms care. On the other hand, I've been away from home for about two years now and still wants me to call every day. I wonder if my sister (who's been away from home for like 7 years now) still calls every day. Is it me? Or is she like this to all of us?

It worries me because I start to think that she's emotionally dependent on me when I hear things like this. She's bipolar, so I don't know what crazy things she'll do.

Seeing her react this way reminds me -- to some extent 00 of how I was when I was with you. Stepping back, I see how it can be suffocating. But at the same time, I feel like my reasons were different than my mom's.

Seriously though, our conversations are trifling. Aside from the unusual admission that she contemplated calling me, we spent 1 minute confirming the things I did today:

"You went to class today?"
"Yeah."
"You went to work today?"
"Yeah."
"You ate today?"
"I ate earlier."
"Okay bye."

I love my mom and I don't dread our calls, I just wonder what'll happen when I get caught up in my own thing.

Are all moms like this? It doesn't have to be a call. It can be emails or texting.

these things

This whole week was all about socialization and expanding my networks.

It's been well expanded. Time to get back to work.

Also, it's hard to run. :(