doppelganger

I'm taking your advice. You're right: I need to pick myself up again. After doing that internship in Oct 07, I've lost sight of my career and, in effect, lost a large part of who I was. The only reason why I didn't spiral out of control right afterward was because I had you to keep myself sane. I kept up my grades because of it.

UCLA and Southern California is a toxic place. I need to get out of there. Too many movie studios. Too many clubs. Too many sunny days. Too many fame whores.

I've started on my common application. It's that whole Senior year all over again. This time, there's the heart-wrenching possibility of rejection -- something I hadn't thought about the first time around. I'm applying to the UC's again. Berkeley, I hope you'll let me back in.

I also started working out again. Well, jogging and doing push-ups at least. I don't want to be a 50 year old and in a wheelchair.

I'm looking at possible careers in foreign service again. Although it's not quite what I want to do anymore, I need some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. The dream used to be having a family and a house.

Godamnit it, I hate UCLA.

Is it so damned hard to get in contact with a human being? I do NOT want to send another e-mail only to never receive a response. I do NOT want to leave another message only to never get a call back. I do NOT want to be fucked over the rest of my four years and have to switch majors just because I'm one stupid unit over the maximum.

One. One unit.

I got a call from my prospective Comparative Politics professor today. He's frustrated that I clearly have not followed the instructions he sent in the e-mail a month ago about making sure there was enough space to get added into the class. After explaining how I've been trying to contact counseling for the last two months actually, here's how the conversation went.

"Well, maybe you should go pay them a visit."
"Professor, I live 300 miles away."
"..."
"Um."
"Well. Get it fixed. Or I'll drop you. -click-"

Guh.

major decisions

I've gotten so much done in the last week without my laptop. I've managed to Ace everything in all my classes.

Now if only I could get up off my fatass and work out. I no longer fit Size 28s. :(

---

Let's put a little more substance into this entry.

So right now, I'm pretty undeclared major-wise. I mean, I'm not completely undeclared in that I at least know which realm of academia I'll end up pursuing and I'm not officially undeclared in that my transcript currently says "undeclared". Rather, the classes I'm taking or have taken aren't exactly going toward any particular major.

All of this confusion is a result of UCLA's closing of their Int'l Development Studies Department. Now, I understand that they want to "restructure" the department and remove a bit of its interdisciplinary aspect, but I honestly don't think it's coming back. Not in my tenure here, anyway. It's just another way for the school to respond to the economic troubles. There are two necessary components to declare the Int'l Development Studies Major:

1. You entered UCLA Fall 2009 or prior under the Int'l Development Studies Major
2. You have completed up to Level 3 of a Foreign Lang as well as all other prereqs by the end of Fall 09 (2.0 min).
   

I don't fulfill number 1 and I've fulfilled halfway number 2. I started out as an Int'l Economics major (note: this is very much so different from the Int'l Development Studies Major) but decided to no longer pursue it because of my terrible performance in Calculus and Microeconomics. Officially, I'm still an Int'l Econ Major but I'm not intending to pursue it.

I need two more classes to be able to declare Int'l Development Studies -- two of the more impacted classes at UCLA. Example: I tried to sign up for one of them this quarter, but all 300 spots and all 75 waitlist spots filled up within four hours. Ridiculous. So I'm at a crux here: what if I don't get into these classes? What the hell do I do with my life?

Here are some of the choices I've been thinking about, given the classes I've already taken and the things I at least have a small interest in:

• Comparative Literature - Taking my first Com Lit class this quarter. I seem to have a talent with it. It's just the whole fluency in three languages thing that is kinda scaring me off. I mean, I can do English well, and I'm getting somewhere with French, but taking up another language is a little scary.
  
• Global Studies - I really don't know why I'm not just a Global Studies major in the first place. I need one more class to declare for this. I guess it's the whole required Summer Abroad thing I don't like.
  
• Geography - I'd love to do this. The only problem is that I'd have to petition for all my courses to count toward it. If I could do that, I could declare today if I wanted to.
  
• English/World Literature - Intimidating. Plus, I hate Brit lit.
  
• French - Only because I have a lot of French classes under my belt incidentally.
  

It's just a little frustrating that something you've invested so much time in has been taken away just like that. Bah.

:(

I haven't been taking any pictures of anything here lately. I haven't had the motivation to take out my camera to do so.

I am having fun and there are things worth remembering, but it's hard with this hole in my heart. I have too much free time and in any instant that I find myself with an idle mind, there is a deep pang that shoots into my veins and right down into my stomach because I remember that you aren't there. You're so far away from me now; even though we talk as much as we can, everything I see reminds me how much I'd rather be with you.

I feel like a fool.

I saw a whale on the polo pocket of a stranger. There was a drawing of a dinosaur on the whiteboard of a friend's apartment I visited; there were stuffed dinosaurs in the UCLA store. A friend posted a video on his girlfriend's wall to show her his dorm. Someone named Brian shook my hand today. People are holding hands. A plane flew by. The evening star is the first star I see and I'm comforted in the fact that it's the same one you see and I'm reminded we're still on the same planet.

Even though it always feels like a light-year and more.

So I need to make myself a check list of things to remember to remind me that we're still on the same planet when the smog is covering up the stars and the tears are welling up.

• I need to remember to take only half the amount of food I normally take because you aren't there to finish the rest.
• I need to remember to not skip my meal swipes because I'd want to save them in the hopes that you'd come to visit.
• I need to remember that all fraternities have agendas and I shouldn't rush simply because I want someone to cry to.
• I need to remember that I am not a broken record and my only lyrics cannot be sad.
• I need to remember to tell myself why I'm in college: to learn, to grow.
  
• I need to remember that I cannot want to transfer to another college simply because of the distance.
  
• I need to remember to get involved and not fear I'll miss your call.
• I need to remember to not prolong our calls to the point that I struggle to come up with topics, only because I want to hear your voice even if its getting frustrated with me.
• I need to remember who I am.
• I need to remember that you love me and wouldn't jeopardize that.

Every morning I wrestle my soul and body.

But I'm losing because I feel incomplete.