real talk

2010:

i will have occupied, bustin' my ass days and i will have wake up at 4pm, brush my teeth, and go back to bed with my laptop days. i will go to classy parties with trashy tendencies and have chilly nights where the smoke coming out of my mouth isn't just condensed, cold air.

i will get fucked up and fucked over but never fucked and that's the way i prefer it to be.

i will sign up for more classes than i can handle, but attempt them anyway, and get decent grades putting in a bare minimum of effort. i will not be challenged because i will realize that i learn more from being in the world than reading it from a textbook.

i will celebrate turning 20 without a celebration, remembering the painful way i entered the previous decade and how not too much has changed except a goatee. i will unfairly hope for a phone call on this day but it won't come and i will be sad even if i shouldn't.

i will get angry and i will get emotional but i dont expect the same degree of happiness as i had last year. i will continue to lose my faith in humanity but i will try, i HONESTLY WILL TRY, to remain optimistic. i will meet new people, but secretly hate them because they will cheat on their wives and husbands in the future and hurt their loved ones, but i hope i will meet the hopeful (not the foolish) few who still are optimistic about love and life, to show me what there is to look forward to.

i will go to the gym, but inconsistently, and get toned, but still look like a boy.

i will go on dates but will only quickly realize what a terrible idea it was because of the paltry conversation and the hungry look in his eyes. i will realize that i need to be with a man rather than a boy, but boys are all that i'm surrounded with. i will think about bringing one to my bed, but never act on it because i will realize i am not made for cheap sex unlike most people.

i will attempt to blog again, but i will continue to be unsatisfied with my work, like with many other things in my life.

i will tell people that 2010 is a new year and will carry new possibilities and better times, but honestly, i don't think that at all. it already feels old and retread to me.

ultimately, 2010 will be just another 365 sunrises and sunsets, another 360 degrees around the sun.

so before it has a chance to say it to me, i'll say it first: fuck you, 2010.

& the frog

i need to take care of me:
what do i want?
what do i need?

i need to start thinking about
me and my wants.
it's not healthy
living for
everyone else.

i need to have wants.
and be a little more
selfish.

two.

quel jour, quelle journée.

forty-love

congratulations, you win. you broke my heart again.

deux

quatre jours jusqu'à mon coeur cassera.
je n'avais pas oublié. pas encore. jamais encore.

qu'est-ce qu'on aurait fait?
quelque chose. toutes les choses.
tous qui à moi
sont les memoires
les possibilitiés
les espoirs
les rêves.

dis-moi,
avais-tu oublié?
oublierais-tu?
oublieras-tu?

dis-moi, dis-moi.

caramel

I submitted my UC application two nights ago. I don't know how I feel about it. I don't want to transfer as much anymore. But we'll see how things go.

---

It's December. My days are ending later and later. Or rather, the sun has set earlier and earlier. While I walk back to my dorm, the hole becomes more palpable. It's then that I realize that it's still there and can hurt just as strongly as when it was made.

I've changed and can only transfigure from this state. There's no reversal.