I am having fun and there are things worth remembering, but it's hard with this hole in my heart. I have too much free time and in any instant that I find myself with an idle mind, there is a deep pang that shoots into my veins and right down into my stomach because I remember that you aren't there. You're so far away from me now; even though we talk as much as we can, everything I see reminds me how much I'd rather be with you.
I feel like a fool.
I saw a whale on the polo pocket of a stranger. There was a drawing of a dinosaur on the whiteboard of a friend's apartment I visited; there were stuffed dinosaurs in the UCLA store. A friend posted a video on his girlfriend's wall to show her his dorm. Someone named Brian shook my hand today. People are holding hands. A plane flew by. The evening star is the first star I see and I'm comforted in the fact that it's the same one you see and I'm reminded we're still on the same planet.
Even though it always feels like a light-year and more.
So I need to make myself a check list of things to remember to remind me that we're still on the same planet when the smog is covering up the stars and the tears are welling up.
- I need to remember to take only half the amount of food I normally take because you aren't there to finish the rest.
- I need to remember to not skip my meal swipes because I'd want to save them in the hopes that you'd come to visit.
- I need to remember that all fraternities have agendas and I shouldn't rush simply because I want someone to cry to.
- I need to remember that I am not a broken record and my only lyrics cannot be sad.
- I need to remember to tell myself why I'm in college: to learn, to grow.
- I need to remember that I cannot want to transfer to another college simply because of the distance.
- I need to remember to get involved and not fear I'll miss your call.
- I need to remember to not prolong our calls to the point that I struggle to come up with topics, only because I want to hear your voice even if its getting frustrated with me.
- I need to remember who I am.
- I need to remember that you love me and wouldn't jeopardize that.
But I'm losing because I feel incomplete.
2 comments:
This isn't the most comforting thing to say, but eventually you're going to get used to being by yourself. Eating meals, studying, going to classes--the quarter is going to fly faster than the wind and before you realize it, being alone doesn't hurt as much as it did in the beginning. The pains of someone's absence, like suffering through withdrawals from a drug, will fade away with time.
But when you get used to being by yourself, it won't mean he loves you any less or you love him any less, it just means you're trekking your own path for a while, and eventually you'll trek your way back to him.
Ahh, Trung is a college student now! Welcome to the club of emotional roller coasters! (I emo'd so much on my first few weeks here... ahah.)
A hug would be nice, but you have to settle for an e-hug instead. *hugs*
Hang in there! Nopefully, now with your second day out of classes out of the way, you'll find something to absorb your spare time with! <3
Take care!
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